Extremely bad again

It must be more then a year ago, when I just returned from having worked full time for nearly 4 months (how embarassing that I was only able to do that for four months, albeit true that my boss asked so much of me that I easily worked up until 60 - 80 hours a week.
Although I was very lucky - at least I thought - I liked, no adored, the topic of my job: health care policy sector. So I was not even complainting about all the work, the stress and deadlines while I liked it very much. Although my colleagues had some questions by the imminent work load always coming my work and before something was finished, I had something new coming up. To be finished yesterday. Now okay, let's say monday afternoon. But when you're spending you're prenoon in Brussels or Antwerp, you know it will mean: having no weekend for another time...

After this period I was severely and extremely fatigued. I felt like dying. This expressed itself trough very strange feelings at the height of my lungs, throat, chest and heart. Let alone heart palpitations, tachycardias, arythmia's, I was long passed that stage ... My lymp nodes were very swollen and pressing on my air tube, I felt like crackin'up, or in between. My chest felt just tight, just extremely uncomfortable. Just like feeling: it is over and out. You're completely run out. You're empty. Somehow you can probably feel after being underground for weeks without food and drinks, and over 90 years old. There was just nothing left and i felt how my most vital organs were cracking and crumbling unter the pressure. Because this feeling was so nasty, irritating and all but comforting I sedated myself with sleeping pills (at night of course) not to feel it.
I felt like I had to wait until my hyperstressed body find rest and would fell asleep by itself, I would already have died... of that same stress and exhaustion... So I was felt without a choice.

When it was light and normal people wake up, I was laying down on the sopha. Drinking or eating i was almost not able too, I can't imagine anymore how I made sure I got this.... but then I spent like a month of 3-4 doing nothing else but resting. Almost untill the end of the summer.
It took a very long time before I was even able to stand up right and try to feel something again or do something again.
Yes I was panicked completely, yes I was crying all the time, at least when I was not so tired and zombie that I didn't even have emotions anymore and i a dazed state, i was wondering: will this ever stop, will this ever resolve? Will I ever have a normal life again? (Well... normal, for me normal... But when I started working I was not this bad, although I must say that I often went to apply for jobs in cities like Mechelen, Vilvoorde, Brussels, ... afterwards being completely exhausted from the trip alone, leaving me like near death for almost one week. What was I thinking by applying there? ... I knew it would kill me and my body just couldn't catch up with that idea.
So at the same time, I was also looking for housing facilities there (appartments, flats, ...) so that I could move almost immediately. Or even better: move before you got the job. I knew this would be the only way in which I would - excuse me - might be able to cope with the stressful demands of the jobs. By the stressful demands I don't mean the really demands of the job as described in the job description. My cognitive functioning, organising skills, executive functioning, ... everything was okay, but my physical body was just not made to being awake 8 hours in one piece in one day, let alone also having to travel, doing walks with colleagues, paying attention to what they say, eat not too much because in 20 minutes breaks there's only so much I can eat ...which is not enough to reload myself.


But now we're more than a year further. And I'm still .. almost whole the day out laying on the sopha. And every move feels like the much to move. Yesterday I hang too the sink brushing my teeth, I was saving energy because afterwards I would shower standing up straight and wash my hair even... which was not an easy evident task for me anymore.....

Today I managed to stand up right by the sink... So I thought yes: this is going to be a good day, I might have some more energy than yesterday. Because yesterday I was so exhausted, a friend came by bringing me groceries but I wanted to catch up with him also, altough my body was telling me harshly I couldn't and my voice was breakin apart rapidly. But it's so difficult to express that (also the person in front of you can often see it) because you are happy to see them and so happy that someone does care for you! It makes all the difference!!
Especially in a world were there is nothing else left: no certainty of getting better, if you get better, to which degree? Will u be able to run around and work the whole day, doing activities afterwards, keeping track of your relations with family and friends and having a satisfactory life? I highly doubt that ...
You never know of course. After all, I have some memories about periodes that were not that bad. But I must say I told myself for years and years, if not decaded, that I was lazy. That I just had a lack of discipline. That I was just easy going with myself, finding excuses for every responsability.
So at the end of the day, I always had to watch out what to do and never was as active as others.
My sister and I used to speak about our dream day when we were younger: that would be, as simple as that:
- shopping out for clothes and stuff
- having dinner afterwards
- going out / party

This never happened...
Do I need to tell in me hides a party animal like mad - often singing songs and dancing in my head - but I can only leave it out for like 2-3 times a year? And even than I pay the price afterwards. After 2-3am I should be in bed if I don't want "fun" for a week... in which I have difficulties with everything described above and I don't want to feel an inner feeling of shivering...

Well, so, but before we lost everone, back to the bacisc: where am I know:

- feeling very shaky and weak
- having to rest for the uppermost time of the day
- being very prudent with making movements so they don't cost me to much energy
 eg I live on the 4th floor and emptying the letter box is an extremely problem for me, but sometimes is going from bed to toilet or toilet to seat a big problem
- cooking is a problem / standing up right for a long time
- especially towards the evening it goes worser and worser
Normally I would eat around 8-9 pm only (badly organised and only "wook up" at 2 pm... and than go to bed around 23-0 maybe even 1-2 am, after watching a serie. But those days:
- not being able to watch a serie anymore after eating
- eating I shove up to 5 pm or 4.30 if possible (weather not too hot so I don't feel too bad about it ..)
- watching a serie: can't cope with it anymore, to fatigue-ing ...
- go to bed around 9 o'clock ...

- falling asleep without sleep medication, but ... having to go to the bedroom anytime
it's like I can't handle the feeling of something in my bladder: I feel it and I can't sleep anymore. It forces me to go to the badroom. My blatter is not full.
Though I may have completely filled blatters also. :-/

- having to leave my window open, even if it freezes outside (which is very uncomforting since I live in a studio where everything is basically in the same room so putting my windows open to avoid dying of heat in my bed, means my bathroom, kitchen and living room will be very cold too in the morning ...
- usually I get awake around 6, 9, ... Well it seems very often. :-S


- Very swollen lymphnodes in neck pressing on my throat
- i would swear that also something else is pressing but okay my thyroid is checked over and over and would be fine ...
- pain "stabs" switching: then there, then there. With preference for joints and especially hips.
Some days ago I couldn't walk normally because of the hip pain (left side)
Today I just stood up and I almost completely drop trough my leg because I had no idea my right hip has given up functioning...